When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
