i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
