did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
