God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
