I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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