Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
