I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
