1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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