his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
