Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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