i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
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I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
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BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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