Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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