sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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