I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
