I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We had to coat check the pizza.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
