Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
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dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
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In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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