the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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