I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
