I CAN MOONWALK!
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.