last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
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Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
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You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.