im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
