I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
