My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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