i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
