Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
