I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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