He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
