Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
