you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
