Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
