I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
