Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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