smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
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While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
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My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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