i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
