i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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