umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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