i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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