Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
