so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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