I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
