just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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