Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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