We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
