I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Randomize
