he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
