I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
