I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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