I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
