I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
