The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
