My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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