my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
