Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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