Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
