kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
