ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
