I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
