There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
