Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize