I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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